The Very Big Remix
by POKA675
Summary: Basically, what happens when a cleptomaniac archeologist decides to "recover" certain dangerous artifacts for the museum? This contains a remix from Van Helsing, A.V.P., The Mummy, Lotr, Indiana Jones and much more! P.S. My first submit ever.


Chapter I

**Chapter I **

The Escape

_1987 A.D. __England, London, St. George__'s hospital, Department of Mental Disorders._

Dr. Steiner sighed when she heard patient's name – the name of the man she worshiped during his childhood, the name of the man she wanted to resemble…

How unpredictable the life could be sometimes. She remembered reading those books, newspapers, reviews; when she was only ten she relieved those incredible adventures every night, oh yes, she wanted to be an archeologist, and it was the ultimate goal of her life… Her parents thought differently. Oh, if only… if only she would not listen to them, she would not have become the great psychiatrist with international reputation, and right now she would not have to walk those so familiar corridors of her beloved hospital, to investigate her new patient.

How would you feel if the idol of your life would be smashed into dirt before your eyes? If his or her name would be desecrated in a local newspaper, if everyone would laugh, point fingers?

How would you feel if…

Does it matter? Her fingers were clenching the newspaper roll in her pocket. She stopped, took it out and red the title in her mind "Dr. Jones, the greatest kleptomaniac known to modern psychology" then, the article followed:

"Dr. Jones, known to his friends as "Indiana" just revealed his true self to the world. All the mysterious cases when objects of high historical value (Mona Lisa, The Black Square, multiple samples of Aztec gold and even the only intact T-Rex skull found by Joseph Tyrell, etc.) disappeared without any possible evidence had been solved last night, at 9:36 pm. It appears that Dr. Jones considered it an honor to "retrieve" those objects from their previous owners and place them in his town's local museum. Bizou Fache, a famous French investigator and policeman who had been on the case for longer than three months states: "When I asked Dr. Jones why did he stole those objects, Indiana answered with his famous quote: "They must belong to the museum!", the fact that most of those objects were already placed in various museums around the globe did not seem to disturb him." Bizou Fache continues: "Dr. Jones purchased his local town's museum after his latest work on Christian symbolism gave him the Nobel Prize; from his biography it appears that the small museum really meant much to him, most of his childhood memories are connected to it."

"We believe that Dr. Jones suffers from and extreme case of kleptomania, a mental disorder when a person is compelled to steal things, usually of small value, with out him or herself knowing about it… Unfortunately for Mr. Jones, judicial courts in the United Kingdom and United States do not accept kleptomania as an affirmative defense." States Dr. McFerrin, a leading English psychiatrist.

She tossed the newspaper in the nearest recycle bin and bit her finger. She knew by heart the rest of the article, how she was assigned to treat Dr. Jones so he can be trialed and imprisoned. Fortunately, the court restricted the actual trialing of the famous kleptomaniac in his present state; the laws required him to be treated first.

She had to go check on Jones every two days, and this was the second time she had to do it. The first time she almost broke in tears after talking with him: he was perfectly sane, pleasant to speak with for kleptomania does not alter the person's behavior.

Finally, Dr. Steiner arrived at the door – Jones was placed in a small chamber deprived of any luxury, and this fact hurt her more than the duty assigned to her. Finally, after a long moment of hesitation, she knocked on the door. As no one answered, she held a polite pause and used her own keys.

She was up for a surprise. The room was empty, she walked in, not believing what she saw. Then, her eyes caught a small block-notes page lying on the table, probably ripped out of Jones's famous diary, where it was written:

"Dear hospital stuff, it was a pleasure for me to reside in the comfort you have provided, however, my duty calls, I am currently on an archeological case like never before. All the objects I have "borrowed" were simply keys to a long twisting riddle which seems to be hiding its answers deep in northern Transylvania. It is my intention to depart on this quest, and I ask you not to interrupt me. I am probably kleptomaniac as you say, but I am about to make a discovery which would change history of humanity.

With respect, I. Jones."

P.S: the pen you gave me must belong to the museum.

Her fingers trembled, and the small sheet floated down on the floor. Then with a smile on her face she whispered:

"He escaped…"

And so it began.

_1890 A.D. __Vatican, sewers underneath Headquarters of Knights of the Holy Order organization._

Van Helsing was nervous, that new assignment did not resemble anything he had to deal with before.

He and Carl followed the cardinal as the old man led the way through the ancient sewer tunnels under the Vatican palace: half of those tunnels were destroyed by time, half inhabited by solitary monks who found there what they looked for: an absolute isolation from the outside world. The humid air gleamed brightly in the light of torches, as the small company passed form one section of the tunnel to another in complete silence. Something screeched and Van Helsing saw Carl jump in front of him.

"Rats"

"The place is crawling with them." Said Van Helsing and gave Carl a sign to hurry up: getting lost in these severs was last of hunter's intentions.

After five minutes of constant walking in absolute silence, the group made it in front of an old thick iron door.

The cardinal searched pockets under his long red robe and produced a large skeleton key, which he immediately inserted in the lock hanging on the door.

As the door opened, they saw a vast brick chamber with strange machinery stationed in the middle.

"Behold one of our greatest weapons on this holy quest – the time shifter." explained the cardinal, and gave the sign to his companions to come in.

As they stepped in, Van Helsing felt himself small compare to the enormous contraption mounted in the chamber, whose ceiling was not visible in the moist fog of the tunnels.

The Cardinal caught his eye:

-"This is a weapon the god sent to us himself."

Carl turned towards the other two:

-"Looks more like a man-made contraption to me…"

The cardinal walked over to the machine and looked proudly at the friar:

-"It fell out of the sky."

It was Carl's turn to be surprised:

-"But accordingly to the physics, if the object of such size would ever collide with earth on full velocity, entire world would know!"

Van Helsing felt a bit off topic, but his assignment worried him much more than some religion/science quarrel.

-"So, holy father, what does my assignment has to do with that thing?"

He pointed at the device.

The cardinal gave him a well-known look and Van Helsing understood that he is now going to be introduced to his new mission.

-"This device allows one to travel in space and even time. When you killed Count Dracula, you buried his bones as instructed. Unfortunately, Dracula is an immortal being, which means it can not be nor killed nor destroyed completely, but only banished temporarily from our existence."

"Uh-oh" said Van Helsing, suddenly feeling very tired.

-"In the future" continued the cardinal "A man will attempt to recover those bones… The man goes by the name of Jones…"

"That really does not tell me anything" Stated Van Helsing.

He was already upset – it was not just a felling of "all work for nothing" but he still did not recover fully after his loss of Princess Anna, who he thought he avenged.

Suddenly, a thought stuck him; it was like a blade of light slicing through his sorrow:

-"Can I go BACK in time?"

The cardinal gave him a sad look:

-"It happens that you can… But if you take her with you, the future will be changed forever. If ever you go, remember that you must not be seen, heard, or even sensed by those who ever had seen, heard or sensed you."

There was an uneasy pause; anyone understood what it meant to him.

-"Ugh"

The cardinal decided to break the ice.

-"Certain objects had been carried in with the machine; one of them might interest you."

With those words, The Cardinal opened a secret trapdoor in the wall, and walked out, giving others the sign to wait outside.

Van Helsing approached the time machine and touched it. Cold steel. His fingers stumbled upon an iron board with symbols etched into it.

Carl shook his shoulders – it was way too moist for him. He approached his friend who seemed to be reading inscriptions on one of the contraption's side.

"Wait a moment" thought the friar. Van Helsing reading?

Van Helsing noticed his friend interest and turned his head toward Carl. The other seemed rather impressed.

-"You can read those?"

Van Helsing looked at the iron board: the letters were perfectly understandable, but in the same time, a weird thought quickly passed his mind: "_You never saw those in this life_"

-"Can't you?"

Carl shook his head.

They were interrupted by a loud clanking noise of large quantities of metal falling and ungodly swearing.

Then the cardinal stepped out of the trapdoor, still muttering curses and nursing his right arm. In his hands, he carried a large broad sword of unknown type of metal and a long gold handle.

-"For you"

Van Helsing took the sword – the handle was very comfortable, although a little button integrated in its middle felt strange. The blade was long and rather thick, it was broad-sided and had a rune running all the long of it: "Bevare the a…." and so on; Van Helsing could not read the rest of the letters, they seemed to be dimmed by time.

-"Thanks Father"

The cardinal approached the Time Machine and pulled something. A long helix stair had emerged somewhere from the top of the machine.

-"May God be with you."

Van Helsing looked at the machine:

-"Holy Father, how do I return if I ever complete this mission?"

Cardinal climbed up the stairs and was now doing something with the machine:

-"There will be a similar device in the future Vatican. If the order still exists, it will be easy for you to find a way back. And if it does not, you will have to go through those tunnels by yourself."

As Van Helsing tried to open his mouth, the cardinal interrupted:

-"And there will be no arguing."

-"Do I have to go?"

Carl's eyes shone with sadness at the sight of the enormous machine stationed in the middle of the room came to life, with long energy beams flashing somewhere on top.

-"Yes"

Answered both Cardinal and Van Helsing.

_1987 A.D. Mexico, archeological site near C__iudad. _

-"Keep pushing damn it, just a bit more!"

Samantha Schliemann was proud of herself – all her life she was craving for this great moment, and finally it did come!

With another thrust of a worker's shovel, the obelisk crumbled on itself, and entrance to an underground passage was revealed.

Samantha was of adventurous nature – she found the theory of a secret Aztec city placed in this location interesting and she was convinced she could prove it.

She was not rich, herself having no money to finance the digging, she made a lot of debts, which, obviously would be covered if she would succeed – and so she did succeed, a large weight of her slim shoulders.

She looked at the gaping darkness of the passage, turned on her flashlight and directed the beam inside. A whistle escaped her lips when she saw the walls covered with Aztec hieroglyphs.

Her friends, a group of fellow students looked at the wonder from behind her back. Even the small group the Mexican freelance workers seemed to be impressed, but in a slightly different way – instead of trying to get close to the entrance, they preferred to stay away.

Her close friend, Josh Harrison, patted her gently on her shoulder – Josh adored her, besides, it was hard not to feel something for such an energetic and beautiful woman as she was – always quick, always adventurous and always obsessed by some new idea of hers.

Her long black hair tied in a ponytail behind her head looked a bit greasy after entire day spent on the digging site, her tanned hands had scratches in a few places – she always forgot about the safety gloves.

-"Well," said Josh: "Ladies first Sam."

She gave him a charming smile:

-"Thank you." She added: "In fact, Thanks to all of you!"

Anyone cheered and a small wave of applause swept through the digging site.

-"All of you can have the afternoon to rest; I'd like to go and check it out myself first."

She picked up a safety casket lying nearby, probably it was forgotten by one of the workers, and mounted her flashlight on top of it.

Josh looked at her, and picked up his backpack:

-"Hey Sam, can I come over with you?"

She gave him another smile:

-"No problem, in fact, I can use help of a field geologist!"

With these words she pointed at a nearby echolocation probe on the tripod. This device was used to determine if there were cavities inside the walls, if use properly, it could give you a precise map of an underground structure by using the sound waves.

And damn, that thing was heavy.

-"Sure thing…" muttered Josh and lifted the instrument on his shoulders, silently cursing when a pointy end dug into his back.

They stepped into the passage, which proved to be a long rectangular tunnel with a small chamber at the end, from where more tunnels sprang in each direction. The walls of the chamber were embedded with hieroglyphs, as well as some Aztec gravure.

Samantha gave him a sign to stop:

-"We won't go anywhere further - I don't want to get lost and we might use an echolocation test."

Then she began scrolling her flashlight beam on the walls and ceiling, probably trying to read those damn hieroglyphs.

Josh positioned the echo locator and activated it. After about five minutes of beeping, the machine gave him a 3d image of the structure they were in.

-"Jeese Sam, you really should come see that…"

As she approached the screen, they both looked in awe at what appeared to be a 3d image of a double pyramid.

-"Wow Josh… This is more than twelve times what I expected!" She was much exited, and so was Josh.

-"I think we had found a real lost city!"

Josh downloaded the image to his USB and opened his laptop which he carried in the backpack.

-"I'm going to send it to the university – after all, we need to claim it first Sam."

She was jumping around the room, happily.

-"Crap, I am never going to have a chance with her, am I?" he thought while attempting to connect his wireless.

However, bad luck and dread are never alone, and they often cooperate.

-"Can't connect from here. Might be that there is too much metal in those damn walls."

Samantha turned to him suddenly.

-"The metal that must be…"

They both finished their thought:

-"Gold."

She looked at him profoundly, she was remembering something she red on her archaeology courses.

-"Josh, we must have found Shan-Ku'ln, the mysterious city the Cortes spoke about. All the stories about enormous riches of Aztec empire, the legends and tales transferred by Spanish missionaries of the time…"

Josh looked her excitingly, but some part of him felt bad for some reason.

-"And no one had ever found it before us?"

She took a sit on a lonely pillar in the middle of the room and shook her head:

-"It is like Homer's Troy, Josh. People did not believe that Troy had actually existed; they thought it was a fiction until my dad Henry charged the case. He followed Homer and some other writers of the time and managed to find it."

She paused for a moment, adjusting herself:

-"No one had ever found it, because no one ever tried to."

Suddenly, the circular pillar underneath her descended, leaving her sitting on the floor in bewilderment.

He quickly threw himself at her, making her roll away from the place she just sat.

-"What the hell is wrong with you?" she shouted at him as he lifted himself up.

-"Well, I heard those Aztec traps are pretty dangerous once triggered." He murmured, still remembering the feeling of her being so close to him.

She sat up and brushed her dusty clothes:

-"Oh and just what was that "trap" supposed to do?"

They both looked at where the pillar had been: nothing happened.

-"Well, I am sorry for being so rude; it's just that I was worried about you…"

As he spoke, a huge square block of compressed bricks broke off the ceiling and crushed on the place where the pillar had been.

-"Damn, that was pretty close…" they both whispered.

She looked at him warmly and said quietly:

-"I am sorry, Josh. I thought you were trying something funny."

He gave her his best smile:

-"No prob Sam, happens to me all the time!"

She looked around the room, to make sure anything stayed on place and said softly:

-"Well, I guess you deserve a little reward now…"

He never seen her talking like that, not him anyway:

-"Like what?"

She smiled:

-"Something you wanted, that's for sure."

With those words she gave him a quick kiss.

-"Well, I guess I am getting lucky if my dreams come true…"

Josh thought, returning the favour.

He was wrong.

The pillar triggered a reaction which brought the entire pyramid to life – new passages and walls were created every instant, large masses of cold ancient stone slowly moved in the darkness.

And finally, deep underneath, an apparatus came to life from three thousand years of sleep.

With clinging of multiple chains, something heavy was lifted from frozen depths of earth – the worst nightmare ever encountered by humanity, a demonical mass of teeth, tentacles and claws which quickly sprang back to life.

The being hissed hungrily at the murky darkness surrounding it: it needed to feed, and to reproduce.

_1987 A.D. Egypt,__ somewhere near Cair._

-"Mr. Jones, Please put the book down!"

The Man who spoke was rather well built with slightly greasy blond hair, had a handsome sun-burnt face and was clothed as a desert traveler.

-"For the LAST time Mr. O'Connell, this book is nothing more than an artifact and it belongs to the museum!"

The two men and a group of people were standing in the middle of some old Egyptian ruins, with Jones pointing his 46 Magnum at the other man, whose name was O'Connell.

O'Connell was very angry – all he and his family had lived through, all they fought for was about to be obliterated by this arrogant and ignorant man who by some unholy miracle recovered the Book of Dead…

-"Stay back Evey, I am not letting that happen!"

Shouted O'Connell, preparing to grab his own guns – he knew he would die then, Jones was recognized for excellent use of firearms, but he simply could not let the mad archeologist to summon some other unholy entity while studying the damn book.

-"As I said, O'Connell, I am higher than some superstitions, besides, by reading from the book we might find some interesting facts about Egyptian history…"

O'Connell clenched his teeth:

-"The facts will find you, you damn moron!"

Jones did not even pay any attention to what O'Connell said- he simply looked back:

-"Get the book Markus, and carry it back to the car."

Another man from Jones's group, an aged individual with blond hair and a stupid face (comment belongs to the author) slowly approached Jones and took the book from him.

However, bad luck and dread are never alone, and they often cooperate.

The book sprang open as the Markus took it.

-"Oh Indy, this looks great! I have never seen such clear hieroglyphs! Let me just read the first page, it talks about some old Egyptian ritual…"

-"No!" Roared O'Connell, clenching his guns – but Jones was quicker, besides, he had an advantage of having own gun unholstered.

A sound of gunshot disturbed the air, and O'Connell's belt with guns and ammunition fell on the dry Egyptian earth.

With another shot, O'Connell flew to the ground, as he tried to lift himself up; his right shoulder started bleeding heavily.

-"We could have done it like civil people; it was your choice the entire time fellow."

Jones said, holstering his still smoking gun with a smile.

O'Connell saw Evelyn rush to him as he tried to take a gun out of his belt on the ground.

-"Please, no!"

She embraced him, her gentle hands holding his head.

-"I can't allow that to happen, Evey…"

She gave him a long kiss, making his body relaxed and calmer; she looked at him and shook her head:

-"I can not let you shoot him now, darling. You will have to recover first."

He hugged her, holding her gently.

-"If only Ardeth was here…"

-"He would make things worse."

She finished.

They both heard the sound of car engine starting up.

-"How far do you think they will get before that Markus reads the book?"

He asked smiling as her face changed worryingly.

-"Let's not think of that. Besides he might not even know how to read Egyptian hieroglyphs."

She murmured to him.

He glared at her:

-"Let's get out of here."

She nodded her head:

-"I really don't have the intention to stay here while he has the book and Imohtep rests beneath these sands."

The fate decided differently, and three hours later O'Connell's family found the town under Immhotep's scouts attacks.

The zombies ravaged the streets, infecting anyone who would dare to show up. O'Connell and his family were stuck on different sides of a vast street filled with brain-hungry moaning zombies.

O'Connell recharged his colts: the situation was even worse than when he made his first encounter with Immhotep, and that was the only time he thought he would not survive.

A minute or later the zombies will begin attacking Evelyn's house – even though dumb, those "once had brains" had pretty keen senses.

He coked both guns and holstered his shotgun – there were only 15 of them now. If he makes it quick enough, he will be able to save his family, and once he gets to his car…

He walked down the stairway and stopped before the entrance door:

-"If only Ardeth and his buddies were there… All the stuff would have been much simpler to deal with."

He kicked the door open: the zombies turned their disease-eaten faces towards him, moaning and muttering something about "Brains"

Finally, one of them started walking towards O'Connell.

Three seconds later the same zombie was lying on the ground, the skull being split to pieces by a shotgun bullet.

O'Connell started advancing towards the house, shouting only those zombies who dared to get too close; he knew that ammunition was in higher value than gold right about now.

Suddenly, he heard Evey scream – he looked at the direction of the scream: she was standing near the window, pointing her finger somewhere behind O'Connell.

As he turned around, he saw a fresh wave of 30-45 zombies standing behind him.

-"Bah, I have enough bullets for that lout."

Thought he, when suddenly, something stepped through from behind the other zombies.

It resembled a deceasing warrior Onubis, only that the creature was less tall, more built and instead of crescent moon axe it carried a long and thick whip made out of crocodile skin. The creature's head reminded O'Connell of crocodiles as well…

-"Dang, another scarecrow… Wonder how to get to that fellow."

He heard Evey scream again – the entrances to other streets were blocked by similar amount of zombies.

-"Check Mate…"

He thought that while recharging his guns. The battle was lost, but he was not going to let the enemy take him that easily.

He prepared – there was a long minute of silence on both sides. Finally, the crocodile creature howled something on inhuman tongue, and the rows of zombies prepared to advance…

Suddenly, O'Connell heard a pure voice; it must have belonged to a man of 25-30 years of age, the talker was either French or Italian, O'Connell did not recognise the accent to be English or American.

-"Our father which art in heaven…" the voice started. The zombies turned to where it was coming from – a dark, unlighted corner of one of the smaller streets.

-"…forgive us our sins, as we forgive them to those who sin against us." There was a well held pause, the voice finished "AMEN!"

O'Connell looked at the darkness nervously – who could be that mysterious preacher who came, even though he must have seen that the place was ravaged with zombies and daemons?

Meanwhile, the voice continued:

-"I am the servant of our holy Lord, the one and only one Jesus Christ, which rests in heaven…"

Heavy metal footsteps where echoing down the dark street, the man was advancing towards O'Connell.

-"And I am here to purge all those who oppose this divine law, those who through their ignorance dare to challenge him and his holy will…"

Then O'Connell could distinguish the shape in the darkness: the man was well-built, had a long slim figure and was wearing a long white cape. As the stranger approached, two shiny circles of light gleamed in the falling darkness.

The man stopped as suddenly as he had appeared, and something about his nature made even zombies take a step back.

-"And so I shall do, _E Nomine_…"

Finished the stranger, and with an inhuman quickness he drew two shiny silver blades from behind his back.

The last move was so quick, that O'Connell did not even had time to raise his guns – in the next five seconds he thanked the God that he did not: the next move outmatched even the first one, as 15 shining blades flew out of the shadow, and twenty zombies fell to the ground, their corrupted flesh being a bad barrier to blessed silver.


End file.
